identity crisis

i seem to have lost sense of myself. that doesn't seem to make very much sense as i read the sentence back to myself. it seems as though it should be very straightforward, but the ideals i once espoused aren't represented in my actions. and as they say action defines us. i don't think i even have the thought contingent covered anyway; i can't make heads or tails of my life right now.

i don't know what i want from people, what i want for myself, what i should do with my time. i need some direction, perhaps, or goals... i'm not particularly sure.

people.

in retrospect i have always derived a certain amount of my own personality and habits from people i am close with. my most productive and self assured years were, in part, a result of spending a lot of time with my partner who shared a lot of the ideals i did (/do?). she was a character, very unique and completely unaffected by the opinions of others. at least thats how it appeared to me. that attitude helped me to feel confident in my own personality, which when i actually let loose is bizarre and untraditional in some respects.

this process has been repeated to a lesser extent with other individuals over the years. but, i feel like while this is a nice product of a relationship, its rather useless at the moment. i've tried to seek out people that i feel are crystallized, solid in themselves, comfortable in their skin, but it just hasn't worked out. add to that the fact that i should be able to feel confident in my own actions, thoughts etc. without relying on someone to kick start it for me. Besides, i need a handle on this before i would consider myself fully open to someone again.

places.

home is a fuzzy concept. coop has left me skittering from roof to roof, never really leaving enough time to develop a sense of place. my own home is monumentally different. the balance has shifted since i've left, people get along a little differently, and its just not as intimately familiar as it once was. i feel like a guest who has overstayed his welcome sometimes. my location has certainly affected my actions and intentions though. the fall was an interesting balance of developing strong personal relationships and some isolation. school was wild this past semester; i'm really amazed at all the connections i fostered, and at some of the ones that flamed out. all of those experiences were positive, i've grown from them. now though, i find myself (currently) feeling alone. i don't know anyone with similar interests, i don't feel confident enough to meet them and am furthermore unsure of where i would want to meet them. bar friends seem a poor idea.

i need to create or stimulate the growth of a different frame of mind. i need to cultivate a sense of place within myself, because there is no opportunity to do so in a physical location at this point. perhaps some goals are the best way to accomplish that? more importantly some action, and while goal setting doesn't really equate to firing a shot at my target it may at least constitute filling the chamber.